"WHAT? Why has this come back?"
My initial reaction was one of being a victim. Why had this returned NOW?
"I don't even have a way to get to the hospital--I am all alone---I don't have anyone to help me. I can't even get out of the bed! How will I handle this?"
These are the fears that encompass me when my health becomes an issue. When this all happened 3 years ago, I had to go through it alone. I was not involved in a relationship--and going through it alone was one of the worst experiences of my life. So of course, now I have a fear of being alone with my health goes south.
After a couple of hours or stretching, a bit of butt-naked yoga (you diggin' that visual?)---I was able to loosen things up, call in sick to work, send an email to MHL, and get back to sleep. When I woke up, I was clearer.
Instead of a victim mentality--I awoke with a determination to get to the bottom of this. I need to decide what needs to be cleared emotionally so that it stops manifesting physically. What is the commonality between now and all of the other times that this issue has manifested.
I then made an appointment with a acupuncturist, because it is the only thing that has ever made me feel better. Ironically, this is the same appointment that I was forced to cancel because of a work issue.
Now, I know that yoga visual has you distracted, but if you're still with me - Pay attention here.
- I am grateful to have a job...however....
- This job isn't very fulfilling and doesn't care about its people -causing me to cancel an appointment that I really felt like I needed to keep
- Yesterday, someone from my professional past contacted me in a very passive aggressive manner--making me very uncomfortable. It was with a possible job offer--my OLD job as a matter of fact--but it was delivered in a manner which made me feel weird.
- I sat with that information and asked for a sign--something to point me in the right direction. Do I pursue the position?
- 5 hours later, my body, though physically asleep, rebelled.
- Is this the message from the universe?
At some point while I was pondering this I have to stop because the phone is ringing---
Of course, that was MHL....Calling me to tell me that I should review what is going on because my body is sending me a message...This is what she does. She does it all the time. Her timing is amazing.
So what is the message?
Here is my gut---here is what I feel in my really real self...
I am tired, physically affected and tired, of people (both personally and professionally) putting conditions on me. It seems that I am always in a position of feeling like I am operating under someone else's conditions. And I don't mean this as a victim. I fully admit that I attract it---
Look, I know we all do to some extent. We are physical beings walking a physical planet and other people have influence on us...But my issue is deeper. I have an built-in need to feel useful while sacrificing my own fulfillment. I attract people that NEED me for something--and then when that issue is solved, I am no longer needed....but perhaps it isn't that I am no longer needed that ruins the relationship--perhaps (as MHL offered last night in a different conversation) the relationship is ruined because I am not fulfilled so I become negative and judgmental and I make myself sick...Which begins a cycle of negativity and judgement---
So as I walk this path and discover where I am ok--where I am succeeding and what I need to work on, it becomes obvious that my professional life is what I need to work on.
I take jobs because I am NEEDED. I am useful. I take promotions because my ego is massaged. I work there for awhile, realize that I am not being satisfied--my root needs (not the surface crap, like ego) are not being met--because I am there for all the wrong reasons and I get negative---and it manifests in my physical being.
The line is fine. The line that we have to walk between being grateful for where we are, and not settling for being unhappy. I am grateful for the paycheck. From my heart, I am grateful. However, I am clearly not satisfied. Its ok to be both.
Being grateful doesn't mean SETTLING! Remember that. It is a tough division for sure. But it is the truth.
So now...it is up to me to begin to work on discovering WHAT those needs actually are...I am pretty sure I know--but I need to sit with it some before I reveal it here. I always want to be honest here...so we have to wait until I can verbalize.
I am not going to list the things that I don't want --That doesn't accomplish anything. So what DO I want?
I know I want to write. I know I want to teach. I know I want to be warmer. I know I want all of these things to be the way that I "make a living"--while realizing that they will not help me "make a life"---I know that I want to be financially ok.
I didn't mean to leave you with no answers---they are MY answers--but perhaps this can help you figure out your own issues....Either that or you can go back to visualizing me doing butt-naked yoga. In either case, check back in tomorrow or Monday for the next edition in the exciting adventures of Macho Zen--Maybe I will have a mantra figured out or perhaps something more solid....but then again, maybe I won't.
Peace to you - be nice to each other!
Kit
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