Mailbag #1

My Shadow doesn't worry
Why should I?

I had not intended a blog for today but when I got back to the hotel after a long, unsatisfying (but grateful, always grateful!) day of work, I found my first ever email about the blog!

As always, if you email me, I might print it, but I will never disclose your name. I will also always respond personally. ALWAYS. So THANK YOU!

Before we get to the letter, I also want to thank you for the retweets, Facebook shares and Google+ shares! You guys are great.

Now the letter.

Kit - 

I read your first three blog posts and I have to tell you that I am in awe of your attitude. I want to learn more but I worry too much about what other people think. Any tips for a budding path walker?

-J.B.

Wow! Thank you so much--By writing this, I assume that you would want me to talk to you as I would want to be talked to when I have questions? If that is the case, then prepare for a hard truth and some tough love.

You will ALWAYS care about what people think as long as you care about what people think. Let that sink in for a minute. That is the essence of Macho Zen--of ANY kind of ZEN. We have all heard the phrase,"It is what it is..." but very few of us understand or actually LIVE it.

The reason you do this is because you allow yourself to do it.

 The fact is that you have to make a choice not to care what they think. It is hard. I know from experience. I struggle everyday. But it is an ego thing. We don't want to be thought of a wimpy or crazy or freaky....But let me tell you a truth....If you see someone walking down the street and you worry about what they think about you--how you look, what kind of clothes you have, what kind of car you drive, etc---there is a 99% chance that THEY are worried about what YOU think about THEM! It is what has become of us....It IS what it IS.

Those of us who are trying to break that chain, that "ego cycle" if you will, are the warriors for future generations and for ourselves and our own sanity.

You're a man. Approach it like a challenge! BE a WARRIOR for your path. WALK it....Learn from it. Use it as a SOURCE of personal pride and growth, not as something to be ashamed of. Don't give "others" the power over your choices. OWN IT! Own your path----and when you step off and slip, don't worry about it. Be humble. Be honest. Be grateful. But most of all. Be yourself. Your TRUE SELF doesn't care what others think or how it looks to the rest of the world. Your TRUE self is within you. Make your TRUE self come to the outside.

Thanks again gang! Feel free to email anytime!

Peace to you!

Kit

p.s. Be nice to each other---I mean it!

Gratitude--It's a manly choice.

There are many things that are required of you and I as we attempt to walk this path and learn the truth---We talked about humility in the last post (and we will talk about that again in a few day), but I don't want to ruin your interest by blogging about the same thing over and over--"Blogging a Dead Horse" as it were--By the way, if you get that punk rock reference, you and I can be great friends---

Since we touched on humility, I would like to about gratitude. Let me explain--make no mistake--GRATITUDE is a choice. Not just a choice, but a tough CONSCIOUS choice. You have to choose to be grateful. And not just for what you have, but for what you don't have. Be GRATEFUL for where you are, even if where you are seems like hell. I promise, it isn't.

This lesson, for me, has been the toughest. I don't like to live in the past, but let me explain. This explanation is not going to give you the full picture of where I am in life right now, but it will show you the road map.

Flashback to three years ago. I two cars, I had a nice house with a hot tub, pool table, a big deck, nice furniture, 6 guitars, a home studio, AND my own business. I was doing pretty well. Not great, but good enough. I was making a go of it. I was mostly happy.

Then one night, I felt a twinge in my leg. Eventually that twinge multiplied. Then those twinges turned into muscle cramps. Those cramps worsened in severity and number. They happened all over my body. No muscle group was spared. Then those cramps happened in my chest, tried to crush my heart in my sleep and my life changed forever. I was told that I had a really crappy hand dealt to me. Since I owned my own business, I didn't have insurance. My medical bills approached $80,000 - Yeah...That's right. $80,000 just in medical bills.

7 months later, I didn't have a house with all that stuff, I didn't have my own business. But I did have my health back and you know what? I was grateful. 

Now let's fast forward to today. I have had to rethink my life. I have a job that isn't very fulfilling and pays a whoppin $12.00 an hour. I don't have a car any longer and for reasons that we will get into in another post, I once again don't have a house. That's two houses in three years. Once you hear  the story for why I don't have a house now, you're gonna just shake your head. Heck, you might not even believe it. That post will come soon.

With all of this going on, I am grateful--

When I see someone driving their nice car while I walk in 19 degree weather, I am grateful. I have my legs again AND I don't have a car payment or car insurance to worry about.

When I see someone getting out of their nice car in the driveway of their nice house, instead of being envious, I am grateful. I have a roof over my head. You might not know this, but it is pretty easy to be grateful to be staying in a dark, musty, hotel room. What's the other option? Tell you what--Grab some clothes, wherever you are right now, and go walk down the street. When you get tired, try to sleep on the ground, in the winter. Do that for three minutes and tell me what you would give for a warm hotel room.

This happens all the time for me. When I hate my job or when I am surrounded by negativity at work, I am grateful that I have the job. When I get my paycheck and it barely pays for the hotel, I am grateful that I have a paycheck that will barely pay for the hotel.

Don't get me wrong. I am not settling. I haven't stopped trying. I have goals.

I want to move to New Mexico (I will tell you why later). I want to spend my life loving my partner and making a life with her--I want the same things that I see all the time. I don't want to spend Christmas in this hotel, but I am grateful that I am. I don't want to walk to the store to get my one meal for the day, but I am grateful that I have legs to walk with and a meal to eat...

And I am grateful because I am CHOOSING to be. It would be easy to piss and moan and complain about my bad luck or to be a victim and whine about "why me..." and there are times that I do slip...But all I have to do is remember to make that choice to be grateful. Everyday.

Hey, look. I am a realist. $4000 would change my life right now. It would enable me to escape this situation--and if I found it on the ground, I would say a HUGE "THANK YOU" to the universe--and I would be grateful that I could buy a cheap car and drive to New Mexico where a better job awaits. But I would never stop this journey--I will never stop being humble and grateful and full of love and life. 

For now, I am grateful for everything that I do have (health, a roof, a job, people that love me) and I am grateful for things that I don't have (bills...lol).

Wake up tomorrow. Look around at what you have. Make the choice to be grateful.

MAKE THE CHOICE!

Peace to you....Be nice to each other.

Kit

Humility - Kinda hard at first--Smiling is a good start.

Having spent the vast majority of my life as a guy who didn't have the first clue what was going on, I can tell you that I spent the bulk of my early manhood in cultivating a look, an attitude and skill-set that allows me to "take a brutha down" for looking at me sideways. This served me well for doing things like walking down dark alleys with a wallet full of money or leaving a bar fight with my fingers still attached and no stitches in my head.

The problem is that those are really the only reasons to cultivate that look, attitude and skill-set  We tell ourselves it is so that we can protect our loved ones from all manner of evil. That's not true. It is an ego thing. When you look tough (and can back it up) you have more confidence, more swagger---you are more of a man (you think). However, for 90% of the guys out there that do this, it is mostly talk. We don't want to fight. We really don't. But the urge to "man up" on someone is ingrained deeply in our DNA.


This brings me to today. I had to walk 3.5 miles to my old house to check the mail. Now if you read my first post, you know that I don't have a house anymore. I am living in a (what's the adjective?) hotel. I don't have a car, so I have to walk--and since I don't have an address, I can't very well turn in a change of address just yet. So I have to go get my mail. It takes about 45 minutes at a brisk pace. That's 90 mins round-trip  Today it was 21 degrees. It sucked. But, what's the zen thing? I was doing it because that is what I am meant to be doing at the time. Yes, I was meant to walk 7 miles in 21 degree weather to get a hand full of bills that I can't pay. Did I mention the ice rain that fell? But it was the only place I was meant to be. So there I was.
My old house is in a really nice neighborhood. Nice cars, young married couples, kids, holiday decorations etc...But my NEW digs are in (what my fifteen year old son would call) a "sketchy" part of town. Since I have the look, attitude and skill-set to walk through sketchy parts of town, it doesn't even really occur to me to notice where I am. I am just walking.

But this morning, I was texting with MHL (see the first post to catch up on the cast of characters--she will be mentioned A LOT in the coming months) about being humble. There comes a time in every seeker's life where you have to humble yourself--you have to get on your knees both figuratively and physically and prostrate yourself before the universe and beg for a do-over. You have to see the error of your ways if you want to know the truth. It sucks. I get it. It's hard for a macho man to become a macho zen. Its hard to be on your knees when you have spent your whole life with your chest puffed out. But we have to do it. You simply can't learn unless you are open to learning--and that openness requires humility. Don't worry--you're still tough---you just don't have to tell anyone how tough you are anymore. The burden that's lifted is actually pretty cool. You want to prove how tough you are? Be humble. That's WAY tougher than any bar brawl.

So today, as I walked through the sketchy part of town, I decided to work on humility. As I approached the various drifters, tweekers, mumblers and other potential threats, I decided to smile at them instead of scowling. See, the scowl is something that I have cultivated over many years (see pic on the right--scary huh?)--It has served me well. Sometimes you need it. It served me well as a boxing coach. It served me well walking through the Los Angeles downtown bus station---you have to have a game face. Those animals will see you coming a mile away if you don't.

Not today. Today I smiled. I said, "Good Morning." and I took my sunglasses off...and you know what? I felt lighter. I felt better. I felt more in control. I felt attached to the power of the positive. Plus it was awesome to see how MY smile affects others. Because what you may not know, is that while you are walking around acting tough trying to protect yourself-you are probably coming off as one of the scary people to someone else. But when you smile and say, "Good morning." - Well, it makes people around you just a bit lighter too because they don't have to be afraid of YOU. Ya see, in psychological terms; Scowling makes you look like an unapproachable prick, while smiling makes you look like a nice, humble person who actually loves the world.

So let's recap:
Scowling = Closed off and full of anger
Smiling = Approachable and humble.

(See...Look at that picture. Smiling just looks better too!)

Its dark now. Its getting late. I gotta go. I want to go walk up to some creepy people and smile at them in the dark--See how that goes! Wish me luck!

Peace to you! Be nice to each other dammit.

Kit

Zen Blossom Ii Framed Art Print By Sarah Stockstill (Google Affiliate Ad)

Why?

As I started on this journey--this journal, this adventure--I am struck by a question. This question is perhaps the same question you are asking when you got here for the first time. That question is the same question and that follows nearly every blogger that I have ever read. That question is: "Why?"

Why me? Why now? - Even "Why the goofy title?"

I guess the best way to try to answer is to just go step by step, question by question.

Why Me? (Yeah, Kit...WHY YOU?)

Hey man, don't ask me. Who am I? I am no one special. I have some education in Eastern philosophy but that hardly makes me a Zen Master. I have studied and had a great Zen mentor in the late Zhou Lin, who led me to some honest truths about myself. He was a wonderful connection for me. He got me started on the path to self-understanding and self-acceptance. But he was 93 years old and just as I started to understand, he up and died on me. So there I sat with more questions than answers, until I finally realized what was actually going on. And I guess, we (I) will get into that later.

One of the main reasons I am writing is because, well, very few of us are. There are thousands of blogs out there by women who are exploring their feminine power, their earth goddess connections, their art and their place on this plane. There are thousands of blogs out there from Buddhist "masters" (I will tell you why I put that in quotes later on), Hindi practitioners, vegan spiritualists, tarot-card seekers, monks, and more. And they are all fantastic members of our community of humans that inhabit this planet. But when I read, looking for fulfillment  I don't see any blogs from men--men who don't want to surrender their manhood in order to be enlightened. They don't want to surrender their football, tattoos, beer and rock music in order to progress to a new level of understanding. 

Unfortunately, in the west, we tend to equate compassion, love, spirituality, connection and respect for the earth with being wimpy or un-manly.

I thought like this too. I was convinced that to continue my quest for truth meant that I had to surrender my place at the head of the pack to someone less "oooey oooey." I was convinced that I had to give up all that I was and become something that I wasn't. 

I have since learned better. I have since been told by others, including a very connected woman who I love and have a very special connection with, that my protector, manly, alpha-mentality is what makes me--ME--and that, my friends, is the very definition of ZEN. 

As the great Zen poet, Popeye the Sailor, once said "I am what I am, and that's all what I am."

So Why Now?

The answer to this is simple. Why now? Because NOW is the only time that we have. NOW is when I am meant to be doing this. A huge confluence of incidents have put me in a very interesting position in this world. Some would look at my situation and feel sorry for me. Some would think I was crazy or irresponsible or flat out screwed up. Even my own mother thinks I have lost my marbles.

We will get into ALL of this in later posts, but let me just tell you that, as of right this moment, I am writing this from a dank (that's a great word--use it at some point today--it's neat) hotel room because I don't have a house anymore. I have to walk to work because I don't have a car anymore. Everything I own is in a storage building except for 5 suitcases full of clothes, my guitar, my laptop, my iPod and my camera. 

How this happened is tragic, yes. But mostly its interesting, eye-opening and sometimes, especially when I tell the stories out-loud, funny. As I said, I will start the telling soon, but what this HAS done has given me a unique and real perception of what's important, who my friends are, who loves me and who just SAYS that they do and where I am meant to be.

So why now? Because now is the right time.

Why Macho Zen?

I was talking with the woman that I mentioned earlier. I will just call her "MHL" for now--and no, that doesn't stand for the Minnesota Hockey League--Maybe she will give me permission to use her name at some point but for now, that will have to do. Anyway, I don't want to digress too far. 

I was talking with MHL. We were in the early planning stages of discussing a joint blog--one side from a male perspective, one side from female's---then it eventually lead to a "Kit, you should start--you have so much to say right now--I will jump in later, " statement from her. So I started trying to decide what to call the blog. MHL said that I should really write what's in my heart about being a man--a manly man--a dude, a rocker, a father etc...and I started singing (to the tune of Macho Man by the Village People), "Macho Macho Zen--I've got to be a Macho Zen---"

We both started laughing, yet at the same time, nearly in unison, said "That's it!"

I thought it sounded arrogant and a bit cheesy. MLH, being a creator and a teacher in her soul, said "No. Its exactly the kind of thing that is part of your personality. It is what will draw people to you. It is the kind of thing that you would read, right?"

She was right--as she often is when helping me look at myself. 

So here we go...

In the coming weeks/months I will write about my journey--I will write A LOT, so try to keep up. Hey, you would write a lot too if you were living in a dank (see, that's a cool word) hotel room, sleeping on a crappy bed, eating take-out Chinese and working in an environment that doesn't exactly empower personal freedoms. But I am here because HERE is where I am meant to be.
It is a ZEN thing---

Peace to you until next time--be nice to each other--don't make me pull this car over!

Kit