Because I have to---

As I sit here it is Christmas eve, 2012.
All around me in loneliness.
My room is small
My wallet is empty
I am alone

I can't go to Facebook because I don't want to be the downer in the room. And it is very hard for me to see all of the pics of fireplaces and decorated tables and presents and family. I makes me miss everything that I have ever wanted, and had at some point. All I ever wanted was a family, warmth, stability and love - yet those things seem to have eluded me to this point. When I had one, I didn't have the other.

I have love. I do. I feel it from people. I feel it from people I have known for a few years and those that I have known for a few lifetimes. Those people are so far away from me...So far----so far.

I am trying to put this all into focus. I am trying to stay on the path. I am trying to do the right things. I am trying, I swear that I am. But I am failing, at least for tonight...I am failing.

I have a memory from being a child, maybe nine years old. It is a memory of running outside, hiding, not wanting to endure any more of the hitting and the screaming. I hid in the bushes. But I was found. And I was told that I needed to get back inside and take it. I had to take it to protect the others. After all, I was the strong one. I was the one that could take it. I was the one that HAD to take it. And so I did. Time after time after time...I did.

And now, when someone talks to me about what I am going through now, invariably they all say, "You're strong. You'll get through this..." or "If anyone can take this, its you."

And that should make me feel better---People think of me as strong and a warrior and someone that can take punishment---someone that can overcome obstacles--someone to be admired for their strength and courage.

And sometimes it does make me feel better---but right now, tonight--in this moment---when someone says that to me--All I hear is that voice telling me to go back inside--All I hear is that I have to endure even more punishment, more abuse and more screaming.

But tonight---I move on. I will sit and meditate. I will endure. I will succeed. I will go back in there.

Because I have to.