What can I say? I have lots of stuff to get out of my brain---
Today I want to talk about relationships - Specifically mine and perhaps yours.
Part of the impetus for this journey that I have placed myself on; this journey (and journal) of self-discovery, self-awareness and truth - was a meeting that I had with a reader. Some would call her a psychic, but she didn't read my mind--She simply helped me uncover some inner voices that were screaming to get out.We went through many things. But one thing that kept coming to the forefront was my relationships with women and work and how the same issues keep repeating themselves over and over.
Because of things that I went through as a child, things that I will keep private for now, I have always been a protector. I have been out front. I have been courageous and I have been the sword and the shield. I have been needed. And that knowledge - that recognition that people "need" me has always been source of pride and strength.
Yet, I have never been as successful in love and in work as I should have been.
I am a good employee, a loyal partner, a good man, a good worker, a well-intentioned soul.
So why? Why all of the "almosts" in my life?
Upon examination and lots of conversation and a bit of psychic intuition, it became apparent that EVERY (not most, mind you---EVERY) relationship that I have had (long-term ones, I mean--lets put the mark at relationships that last more than a six months) has been based on the fact that I was "needed."
I was needed in my career as a talented performer, a relentless drive and an intelligent agent of change.
In relationships, I have been needed as a protector, an escape, a father-figure, a leader through the darkness.
Not horrible to be needed. Right? Except that needed begins to become "used" for a purpose--and then when that purpose was fulfilled, I was discarded.When they realized that I was their "father figure", they moved on to someone that they WANTED to be with. When they realized that they had used me to escape a bad relationship, they moved on to someone (or somewhere) that they WANTED to be.
I was disposable.
But what became apparent was that I have never--in any long-term relationship (work or romantic) - been "wanted." And by that I have never been with anyone who would do ANYTHING to keep me--who would do ANYTHING to have me--who would follow me to the ends of the earth because they WANTED to---not because they NEEDED to--but purely for the sake of being with me. I have never had anyone who CRAVED to be with me--who would do anything to talk to me, connect with me.
I have never had someone willing to "give it all up" for me. Willing to go on the adventure with me, because it was ME--not for any other reason but the need to be with me and to trust that feeling.
That is a feeling that I have never known.
A friend of mine, on fb, was chatting with me the other day about this (not in my life so much, but in hers) and she said her situation was the opposite--that she has been willing to do just that for someone--willing to go to the ends of the earth for them---I asked her, "Did you tell them?"
And she said, "In those words? Probably not."
When we love someone--when we are willing to sacrifice and do ANYTHING for their happiness or just to be in their presence--we HAVE to tell them. Don't make them guess. Don't make them ask---TELL THEM--and tell them everyday.
Love is not a word. It is an emotion that needs to be fed. Telling someone you love them is easy. Proving it by wanting to be with them, and wanting their happiness--THAT is the most important thing.
Being needed is great. Being WANTED is amazing--I want to be both - what's more--I want to be TOLD and SHOWN.
I am not disposable. I am amazing.
Peace to you - Be nice to each other---Show them that you love them.
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