TEXT

Kit's Quote of the Day----"Don't just Say 'I love you' - Be willing to prove it...EVERYDAY!"

Monday, December 31, 2012

Happy New Now

This is the final blog for 2012. That sounds funny when I write it. This has been a LONG and mostly stressful and chaotic year for me. I began the year full of hope as we always do on Jan 1st. I had a nice house, a pretty cool outlook on my career and felt pretty stable. That all changed---and when I look back, I know why it all changed. (Here comes the ZEN part...Ready?)

It changed, because it changed.

It was meant to because we always do. NOTHING stays the same. From one moment to the next, change is available to us. We usually fail to notice that it is happening because we are always looking toward tomorrow. Always saying, "This year, I will finally get in shape." or "I am going to leave my job this year" or "Once things are lined up the way I want them, I will make the next step."

Whether we want to admit it or not (and most of us live in denial 90% of our lives) this is the VERY DEFINITION of fear-based thinking. The reason we "wait" until the "right time" is because we have been conditioned to believe that planning for something will make it happen in the correct order and we are afraid to DO something now because we don't "have enough money" or "it just isn't the right time." So instead of doing something, we plan on doing something.

Do you think that, in Jan of 2012,  I PLANNED on spending 3 months of the year in a hotel room, with no car, walking to work to a job that I can't stand and enduring pain and muscle failures, eating out of box and microwave, watching my family ignore me and losing most of my friends? Is that what you think? You think I PLANNED this? What am I; an idiot?

 Either you think that I planned this--which makes me a moron. Or you think I didn't execute it properly, which makes me a failure...That's what you think of me? That's what I should think of myself? An idiotic failure?

This is where I am supposed to be and my plans didn't matter. Perhaps I spent too much time waiting for the right moment to do something and that moment never came. Perhaps when I had a thought, instead of DOING it, I PLANNED on doing it.

If you have a New Years resolution--don't RESOLVE to do it---Just do it.

Tomorrow is promised to no one. That is not a bumper sticker. That is a fact. Prove to me that tomorrow will come. You can't. So what are you doing TODAY? Right now? In this moment to make your "future" happen? Make THIS moment happen. And then this one....and this one....and this one....

It is a cycle that won't fail you.

So --no predictions for 2013, No wishes for 2013, No plans for 2013. Instead of HAPPY NEW YEAR--
I will say to you:

"HAPPY NEW NOW!"

Peace!

Kit

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Expectations--Its not them--Its YOU

Every blog post that I have written so far on this journey has been inspired or even FORCED to the surface by something within my own life--something that I have to deal with. However, I want to write something tonight that is inspired by what I have seen by people around me. People that I love and care about, people that I read on twitter and responses to things that I hear at work from total strangers--

Tonight I want to write about expectations.

This is a tough one for almost everyone that I know. It is the ONE thing in this journey that I think I have mastered (mostly--I am human and I do slip up) to the point where I can help others. It is tough because it is so totally built into us--it is a learned behavior.

Let me try to break it down into one or two sentences:

When you are hurt by someone's actions, responses or words--you are likely hurt because you EXPECTED them to act a different way. You placed an expectation upon them based upon:

1. What you want
2. What you need
3. How YOU would act in the same situation

How about an analogy--

You meet a woman. She is hot. She is smart. She is everything you have ever wanted. You (there is that word again) begin to build her up in your mind. You go on a few dates. She gets better and better. More building occurs--the pedestal gets higher and higher. Then after a little while you invite her to your house for dinner. You tell her that you want her to be with you in your element--"a more comfortable setting," you say.

So, you clean the place up. You make a nice dinner. You change into nice clothes and open a bottle of wine...You wait all day imaging how impressed she is going to be---the doorbell rings. You rush to the door--open it---and there she is----

 In jeans, a wrinkled t-shirt, hair in a ponytail, no makeup--looking like she just woke up. She walks in, kisses you on the cheek and plops down on the couch.

You are disappointed.

Why? What has she done? All she heard from you was this was going to be a dinner in a more comfortable setting. That is what she heard. In her world, THIS is how she is comfortable She is glad that she doesn't have to be in "date mode" anymore. This is how she is...

The pedestal comes crashing down. What about all the work YOU did to clean the house, make the dinner, pick out the perfect wine?

You are disappointed in HER because of expectations that YOU had of her and of the evening. She had done nothing wrong yet---You are disappointed.

How about another.
You ask your brother to babysit your dog while you go out of town. He says "Yes. No problem, Bro!" You don't bring it up again until the day you leave and you show up with your dog, he opens the door and looks surprised. You remind him of his promise and he says "Sorry, man. I forgot. I can't do it...."

You have EVERY right to be upset. That is an expectation that he placed on HIMSELF and gave it to you...

Let's say that you had to go out of town. You need someone to watch your dog. Your brother has done it a few times before so you assume that he will again. You ask him and he says, "Can't help ya man...I got stuff to do this weekend."

You're mad at your brother---Why?

Because you placed an expectation upon him that is based on what YOU thought he would do--

When you are let down by someone--when someone doesn't respond to you the way you want, when someone doesn't say the right things or perform the way you had hoped. Ask yourself why you are upset.

Likely its not them---its you.

________

On another note. I have made a decision that I am going to travel this spring to assist with caring for HIV/AIDS patients, most of them children, in Lima, Peru. I will post more about it in another blog, but I could use your help. I will begin fund-raising to assist with travel expenses. I had more than 1000 unique visitors this week.

If each person gave $3, $4 or $5--I would have enough to pay for the trip. I will be gone for 6 weeks- I need $5000 to make this happen---if you own a business or a website--and make a donation of more than $100--I will take pictures of your logo during my trip from all kinds of locations, and I will tag you in Facebook posts, Twitter and this blog--letting your customers, clients, friends and family know that you cared enough to help--


Let's begin to improve the world by making a difference in 2013--I will do all the work--if you will help me get there. Its tax deductible too! I will provide you with a receipt and proof of where the money goes - So how about a buck? Two? Five? Please use the DONATE button on the right at the top of the column.


Thank you!!


Peace to you!---You know the rest---

Kit


Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Getting to the Source - And Solving the Problem

If you have been following along--you know that the last week or two has been particularly distressing and difficult for me. Last night's blog was about as dark as I get, at least publicly.

But today is a new day. It's Christmas--and better LATE in the day. Which means that it is almost over and we can now begin to think about a new year, a new perspective and a new purpose.

As we gravitate and navigate in this new awakening that is going on ( See this blog post ) we need to realize that a switch has indeed been flipped. It may not be something that you have noticed yet. But that is only because you haven't really looked. Its there. It is everywhere.

Last night I sat. I meditated. I went DEEP inside myself. I changed my vibration and I was able to connect with the obvious. Make no mistake, EVERY answer that you need is obvious. It is just hidden from you at the moment. Once you begin to get at the same frequency of the universe, once you tap into that place, you will see that answer. the KEY is to listen and to HOLD ON to the answer after your moment of clarity is over.

I am as clear as an elephant standing in a treeless desert! (Look! A Pic of what I just said!)

I managed to get to that answer quickly. It became obvious. That the source of my "bad luck" was a huge negative energy wave caused by my fear. This presented itself in the form of my "job" - which, as you may know from reading--is just a terrible place. This "job" is not my calling. It is not my passion. It is simply something that I was using as a paycheck. Why? Because I needed a paycheck. I thought that it was a solution to a problem that was going on at the time. What I failed to realize, after that problem wasn't solved ANYWAY, was that I was now giving my power--my positive nature--over to this negative. I had convinced myself that I "needed" this job. I sold myself. I was a whore. I let my true self be used and abused for $12.00 an hour...$10.75 after taxes...NOT worth my soul. Sorry. It just isn't.

Very often, the obstacles in our life have disguised themselves as solutions....THAT is the lesson.

Even the Bible (of which I am not a follower, but have read multiple times) says, in Corinthians (I think--check me if you like): "...even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light"

We stay in bad marriages because it is hard to get divorced. We stay in bad jobs because it is hard to find another. The obstacles are pretending to be solutions so we stay. And we suffer.

We must trust the answer that we find when we have clarity...

This JOB is blocking my energy, it is blocking me physically from doing what I love, it is blocking me mentally from having the courage to move on, it is blocking me - period.

The key now, becomes to hold on to that and NOT let negative thoughts ("What will I do? How will I live" What will happen next...") cloud my judgement. These are FEAR based thoughts and not proactive thoughts.

And I can't get too far ahead. I have to concentrate on TODAY's step...STEP ONE is all that matters. When that is done, we don't go one to STEP TWO---because there is no STEP TWO---We have a NEW STEP ONE--STEP ONE---TODAY is all that matters---do what you can TODAY to make the next step possible. Then start over.--

STEP ONE- Exiting the negative "job" - This is my intent. 

Logistics (how much I have vs how much I need) are out there. Answers are next.

So there is where I am now. Listening. Answering. Moving. Trusting.

Peace to you. Be nice to each other--and in moments of doubt--close your eyes and listen.

Kit



Monday, December 24, 2012

Because I have to---

As I sit here it is Christmas eve, 2012.
All around me in loneliness.
My room is small
My wallet is empty
I am alone

I can't go to Facebook because I don't want to be the downer in the room. And it is very hard for me to see all of the pics of fireplaces and decorated tables and presents and family. I makes me miss everything that I have ever wanted, and had at some point. All I ever wanted was a family, warmth, stability and love - yet those things seem to have eluded me to this point. When I had one, I didn't have the other.

I have love. I do. I feel it from people. I feel it from people I have known for a few years and those that I have known for a few lifetimes. Those people are so far away from me...So far----so far.

I am trying to put this all into focus. I am trying to stay on the path. I am trying to do the right things. I am trying, I swear that I am. But I am failing, at least for tonight...I am failing.

I have a memory from being a child, maybe nine years old. It is a memory of running outside, hiding, not wanting to endure any more of the hitting and the screaming. I hid in the bushes. But I was found. And I was told that I needed to get back inside and take it. I had to take it to protect the others. After all, I was the strong one. I was the one that could take it. I was the one that HAD to take it. And so I did. Time after time after time...I did.

And now, when someone talks to me about what I am going through now, invariably they all say, "You're strong. You'll get through this..." or "If anyone can take this, its you."

And that should make me feel better---People think of me as strong and a warrior and someone that can take punishment---someone that can overcome obstacles--someone to be admired for their strength and courage.

And sometimes it does make me feel better---but right now, tonight--in this moment---when someone says that to me--All I hear is that voice telling me to go back inside--All I hear is that I have to endure even more punishment, more abuse and more screaming.

But tonight---I move on. I will sit and meditate. I will endure. I will succeed. I will go back in there.

Because I have to.




Hope

A poem - Or whatever you wish to call it.
My words---
_____________


Love

Impossible to contain
Obtain
and strains the bounds of hope

Then she speaks 
seeks
and I am weak with thoughts of hope

Her words divine
Fine
And I shine again with hope

Then I appeal
Surreal
And I steal a ray of hope

For all I scheme
Scream
And dream of that word...

Hope




Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Downloading the data -

As we stampede toward a few magical days--The Winter Solstice--Dec 21st--Christmas Day--New Year's Day--etc, it is important for me to continue to understand that this awakening that the world is experiencing is not particularly easy on the brain.

There are multiple electrical issues going on right now. Ask yourself this seemingly innocent question: In the last two or three weeks how many electrical issues have you experienced?

Internet going down, bad cell service, iPhone gone wonky, cars not starting as they usually do, etc. Heck, in my hotel room, I have gone through 4 light bulbs in the last two days--a friend of mine called me last night and was complaining that his car alarm keeps going off for no reason---

Why is all of this going on? If you don't pay attention--these things might seem like a weird coincidence--but they aren't.

You will also notice that YOU are going through a major energy download. You probably feel extra energetic during the day and extra sleepy at night--OR you might be like me and have TONS of energy buzzing around you, unable to sleep, totally focused--and then WHAM--you get full and get sleepy and need to shut down.

I have noticed that, for the first time since I took too many steroids during my brief flirtation with a woman that was a champion body builder in a few years ago, my skin is breaking out like I am fifteen years old.

These are ALL symptoms of a massive wave of energy that has been cascading towards the earth from our source for the past couple of years, but recently (and for the next few weeks) the power is turned up to HIGH---

All matter is 98% energy. We are simply a collection of atoms vibrating at a specific frequency that binds into a human being. Its not that tough to understand that any energy bursts are going to affect us--and like throwing electricity into a device and flipping a switch---BAM we have extra life!

Now what do we do with it? We are all beginning to feel it...a new idea about ourselves. A realization that we already know the answers to questions that we have asked ourselves over and over. We are beginning to figure things out. We are beginning to recognize our faults, our strengths, our highs and lows. We are beginning to remove our ego (some faster than others!) and make decisions based on fact rather than "what if..."

For years and years we have been punching numbers into a big calculator, hitting the plus or minus signs, putting in more numbers--hitting the multiplication sign---putting in more numbers.....over and over and over---and NOW we are preparing to hit that big EQUALS button to see what we get...

I know where I am in that process...where are you? Are you ready to see the result or are you still frantically punching in numbers?

Take a moment tonight, tomorrow and for the next couple of weeks and just close your eyes, meditate for just a few minutes and accept the download. Imagine that your body is a huge bowl and accept the water that is flowing in...accept the waves...accept the energy bursts....Do it daily and soon you will begin to know more and more and more....

I am off to do that very thing---

Peace to you...Be nice to each other---And OPEN yourself to the wave!

Kit

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

My Dharma Name...

I want to tell you a cool story.
As anyone who has read from the beginning knows (and if you haven't, please read the post "Why" - its the first) at one time I had a mentor named Zhou Lin. This was more than 12 years ago--he taught me consistently for about two years before he passed away. 

Zhou had been born Chinese. He had studied Taoist philosophies early on--had become a Tibetan Buddhist in the 1970's - and eventually moved to America...He was a firm believer in zen aspects of life but taught SELF philosophy more than anything else.

Anyway--after he died--I was upset--but I had a life to lead. I did ok for awhile. I had a son, a wife and a career--but over time, life got to me. My relationship fell apart, we split up--my career went into the toilet (which I used to blame on the economy, but really it was mostly me...) and I drifted off of the path---nah--wait--I didn't drift off the path--I rolled off the cliff!

Eventually, as you probably know, I made my way back--I began to remember what he taught me and I began to understand again. 

Then last week, I had a very vivid dream about him. I won't get into that again--but it was very vivid.

On a whim, a couple of days later, I was looking through my old email address to see if there were any of his old notes to me in there--there weren't. It was more than 10 years ago and they were gone. But to my surprise, his email addy was still in my contacts---

I sent this email - 

Zhou -

 I know you are gone, but you are not. I dreamed of you, but you already know that. Thank you for all you did for me -

Always in Peace--

Kit

I was quite surprised when I got a reply!!! WHAT? 

That's right---the next day, I got a reply from a very nice monk who explained that before he died, Master Zhou left instructions to leave his email active in case any of his students emailed. The monk explained that in 10 years, they have received 3 emails. 2 of them came in the first two months from people who didn't know he had passed. Mine was the 3rd.

Here is the cool thing. This monk friend of his, has been checking Zhou's email every single day for more than 10 years---And he revealed to me in a lengthy back and forth that my Master had left behind my Dharma name--and he knew and had instructed that they were not to contact me with it--that, when my time was right--I would contact them---

HOW COOL IS THAT??? He KNEW that I would contact him again in this way--I am blessed and feel the magic--

And my Dharma name?

Jigme Dorje - A blessed name--in Tibetan--it means Fearless Thunderbolt
Jigme (djim-mey) Dorje (dor-djay)

I have been buzzing for two days. I feel him--I feel his intent for me. I feel the energy

But I know what he would say to me - "It is just a name. You are it. It isn't you."

He was like that---

My next post will come tomorrow--and I am going to be blogging about "Accountability to yourself"


Peace to you! Be nice to each other...

Kit

p.s. Seriously. Be nice. Its not that hard.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

WANTED vs NEEDED


Another blog post already?

What can I say? I have lots of stuff to get out of my brain---

Today I want to talk about relationships - Specifically mine and perhaps yours.

Part of the impetus for this journey that I have placed myself on; this journey (and journal) of self-discovery, self-awareness and truth - was a meeting that I had with a reader. Some would call her a psychic, but she didn't read my mind--She simply helped me uncover some inner voices that were screaming to get out.

We went through many things. But one thing that kept coming to the forefront was my relationships with women and work and how the same issues keep repeating themselves over and over.

Because of things that I went through as a child, things that I will keep private for now, I have always been a protector. I have been out front. I have been courageous and I have been the sword and the shield. I have been needed. And that knowledge - that recognition that people "need" me has always been source of pride and strength.

Yet, I have never been as successful in love and in work as I should have been.

I am a good employee, a loyal partner, a good man, a good worker, a well-intentioned soul.

So why? Why all of the "almosts" in my life?

Upon examination and lots of conversation and a bit of psychic intuition, it became apparent that EVERY (not most, mind you---EVERY) relationship that I have had (long-term ones, I mean--lets put the mark at relationships that last more than a six months) has been based on the fact that I was "needed."

I was needed in my career as a talented performer, a relentless drive and an intelligent agent of change.

In relationships, I have been needed as a protector, an escape, a father-figure, a leader through the darkness.

Not horrible to be needed. Right? Except that needed begins to become "used" for a purpose--and then when that purpose was fulfilled, I was discarded.When they realized that I was their "father figure", they moved on to someone that they WANTED to be with. When they realized that they had used me to escape a bad relationship, they moved on to someone (or somewhere) that they WANTED to be.

 I was disposable.

But what became apparent was that I have never--in any long-term relationship (work or romantic) - been "wanted." And by that I have never been with anyone who would do ANYTHING to keep me--who would do ANYTHING to have me--who would follow me to the ends of the earth because they WANTED to---not because they NEEDED to--but purely for the sake of being with me. I have never had anyone who CRAVED to be with me--who would do anything to talk to me, connect with me.

I have never had someone willing to "give it all up" for me. Willing to go on the adventure with me, because it was ME--not for any other reason but the need to be with me and to trust that feeling.

That is a feeling that I have never known.

A friend of mine, on fb, was chatting with me the other day about this (not in my life so much, but in hers) and she said her situation was the opposite--that she has been willing to do just that for someone--willing to go to the ends of the earth for them---I asked her, "Did you tell them?"

And she said, "In those words? Probably not."

When we love someone--when we are willing to sacrifice and do ANYTHING for their happiness or just to be in their presence--we HAVE to tell them. Don't make them guess. Don't make them ask---TELL THEM--and tell them everyday.

The biggest gift that you could possibly give someone is your presence. The second biggest gift is your honesty. Not honesty as in NOT lying (clearly that is important) but honesty as in telling them how you feel, what you want and what are willing to do.

Love is not a word. It is an emotion that needs to be fed. Telling someone you love them is easy. Proving it by wanting to be with them, and wanting their happiness--THAT is the most important thing.

Being needed is great. Being WANTED is amazing--I want to be both - what's more--I want to be TOLD and SHOWN.

I am not disposable. I am amazing.

Peace to you - Be nice to each other---Show them that you love them.


Saturday, December 15, 2012

When gratitude doesn't come easy...

"The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread..."

So here I am--in my little hotel room--beginning a 7 day fast.

"How very spiritual of you, Kit...Fasting before the holidays. What a beautiful way to cleanse your spirit.."

Yeah. Not so much.

I am fasting because, for the first time in my adult life, I literally have NO money and No food. I don't mean that I only a couple of bucks or that my bank account is overdrawn--I mean I have NO money. NO change. No dollar bills and no way to get any, until payday, which is 5 days away. In the past, when struggles have occurred  there was always a light. A way out. Some food in the pantry, even if it wasn't something I wanted to eat. There was something. I wasn't going to go without.

Not now--but that's ok. I don't mind. Its just a 7 day fast, and I could stand to lose a few pounds anyway--no big deal. I have done them before voluntarily  so I can do one for the sake of "have to." - Honestly, if I just had a few bucks for some Diet Pepsi, it would be a breeze!---

But I don't want this to be about that. The lack of money is a back-story for why I am having a tough time feeling grateful today. I can handle having a job that no one else would want, because it is a job--and a lot of people are out of work. But I work for a company that values its employees about as much as most people value a housefly who won't stop landing on your sammich. They proved it today by announcing that, not only do we have to work on Christmas Day, which we already knew about and had accepted--BUT we have to work 3 extra hours (2 for some people) of mandatory overtime. Which means that on Christmas Day, I will not get to see my son. We had plans to see each other, go to dinner (I will have a paycheck by then!) and hang out - Now, because of the fact that I have to work until late in the day, I won't get to see my own son on Christmas--

I am not whining as much as it sounds--I simply want to explain the process in my brain. And this is it---

I have a job that is not fulfilling in anyway, doesn't pay enough that I can make it to the next payday without having to fast for 7 days AND NOW, it is stealing what little time I get with my son.

How exactly am I supposed to be grateful for this? Is a hooker grateful that she has a job? Does she say to herself, "Golly, I am sure am grateful that I was able to bang enough guys that I can pay my hotel room bills so that I can bang more guys next week!"

I KNOW it isn't the same. Don't lecture me about that--I know its not. I am trying to make a POSITIVE point and here it comes - Ready?

THIS is the meaning of ZEN. I am in this position because THIS is the position that I am in. And the only way OUT of this is to be OUT of it. I can't spend time wrapped up in the WHY of things. I HAVE to accept them before I can overcome them. When we dwell in the WHY, we ignore the opportunity for gratitude.

I am not on the street. I have a job (even if they have no soul), I have my health (mostly), I have a son who loves me (who am I to complain about not getting to see him on a silly holiday when so many families in Connecticut would give ANYTHING to have their children back?) and I have my path.

There are times when the reality of the world comes crashing down around us. It is important to remember that it is OK to not like it. We are human beings. It is OK to be pissed off. We are human beings. It is OK to cry about it. We are human beings. And it is ok to whine about it.

For a little while.

Then we must accept that where we are is part of the journey, nothing is permanent and help is merely a breath away.

Someone asked me today, "how much money would you need to move back home to Oklahoma or to New Mexico or wherever you can be to get out of this?"

I said, "$3,000 would change my life."

Somewhat callously they said, "Is that all? I thought you were in really bad shape. You only need $3,000? You can come up with that!"

I'll just snap my fingers, jackass.

You might have it lying around--and goody gum drops for you...but I am kinda past that at the moment (At the moment, because when I come back, I will come back with a fury--it will be quite a ride!)

Yep - But you know what--I wouldn't trade places with them if it meant that I had to go back to thinking like that. If it meant that I had to go back to judging other people's situations and needs, I would rather be where I am...because HERE, at least I know, as tough as it is right now, I am pure in my intention.

It doesn't make it easier. But it is worth it to find out who loves me, who I am and what is important.

Help is but a breath away--even if it comes from within.

Peace to you...be nice to each other and on Christmas Day, remember that there are people working, missing their families and missing their friends, so that you can be happier - -

Kit

Thursday, December 13, 2012

The Road to Enlightenment Still has Potholes and Detours

Funny how being on this journey has given some people the impression that I am somehow now impermeable to pain, depression, anger and jealousy. 

FAR FROM IT!

Let me explain something. Being enlightened does NOT mean "being happy" - It is about being able to see the TRUTH of things and using that truth to overcome the negative. And when you are on the ROAD to enlightenment, you are even more susceptible to becoming "en-darkened" for a short time, now and again.

In fact. as you become more and more enlightened, You become more and more aware of the truth of things. You see people who are walking a different road. You can see lies more clearly. You can see pettiness and jealousy and sadness.

And Loneliness.

Last night, for instance, was probably the most challenging evening that I have had since I began this journey. I found myself full of energy after doing two things: I donated some money, even though I don't have any for myself right now, to the 12-12-12 concert for the poor people affected by Hurricane Sandy - and I participated in the Master Shift global meditation. For three or four hours afterward,I was buzzing--literally physically and energetically BUZZING with good vibes.

As I attempted to share this goodness with people on Twitter, Facebook and the phone (to people that I am close to), it began to get painfully lonely. I became more and more aware that I was alone. Not just alone, but lonely. There is a big difference. I can be alone. I am alone. But I was lonely. I needed human contact--and not just the kind of contact that could have been had by going and having a beer with friends---I needed intimate contact. By that, I do NOT mean sex. I mean intimate, face to face conversation, touching and love. I needed it...badly.

When I realized that was not coming to me, I began to cry. Ever so slightly, I began to tear up at the thought that I had no one here and it would be "who knows how long" before I will be able to have that in my life again. I began to question my life. I began to question my reasons for how I got to where I am now. I began to regret (a word that I HATE by the way) my actions that led to this loneliness and began to wonder what I could have done differently to prevent it.

I sat with it...I went to bed and I stared at the ceiling. Desperate for someone to be lying with me....

My alarm went off this morning and I realized that I had not dreamed. This, my friends, is RARE for me. I dream all the time. I didn't wake with the same lust for life and truth, but why?

The answer, became clear after a few moments of pondering---The answer is this: Knowing the truth and LIKING the truth are two different things. This is the basis of enlightenment. KNOWING the truth and accepting that NOTHING is permanent is the key. Impermanence. Remember that. Impermanence.

What are the Three Marks of Existence?

Impermanence, Suffering and Non-Self

A full understanding of these three things will bring an end to suffering. 

The reason we dive into depression and negativity is because we become convinced that our current situation will be our permanent situation. We don't see light at the end of the tunnel. We don't see a way out. We don't see a future.

What must we do to overcome this? We have to sit and be in the now.

Yes, I am lonely now. But just for now. Just for now....Just for now....Just for now.....

Peace to you all - Be nice to each other---and if you love someone--tell them everyday--

Kit


Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Being quiet. Kinda Weird eh?

A few nights ago I was talking with MHL and I mentioned the fact that I felt kinda wasteful and stupid because I wasn't meditating as much as I should or used to. After all, I don't do ANYTHING at all--ever.

I mean I work 8 hours a day and then occasionally, I will go out with a friend or two for an hour or two, but I don't really do much except sit in this (see the post entitled "WHY?" for the adjective that goes here) hotel room  watching TV, writing my blog, or playing my guitar. I have at LEAST a few extra hours a week to do things that other people claim that they don't have time to do...I could do some situps (god forbid) or I could go for a walk (er..um...no. I do that for my normal mode of transportation--let's forget that one). I could learn to speak Spanish or Japanese or Farsi. OR, I could mediate more. I could try to make it longer than 15 or 20 minutes. I could become a TRUE Zazen (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zazen ) master. I could do it...I sure could.

So why don't I?

To be honest, it has always been hard for me to be quiet. It has always been hard for me to sit still. Ask anyone that knows me. Talk talk talk talk....That's me. 

But here is another truth. Sometimes (less each time I do it) I feel kinda stupid. I mean really? Just sitting there? What does that possibly accomplish besides making me look like stupid?

(Now, Kit flips the script on you...hang on).

Wait a minute! Looks stupid to whom? Who else is in this room? Who else can see? I mean I do PLENTY of other things when I am alone that I don't want other people to see (Shut up!) and yet, I still do those things everyday (I said, SHUT UP!) - So think about it---Who am I trying to impress here?

It goes back to ego. Sitting and meditating is a sign of submission in a way that men aren't used to accepting. Shutting up and surrendering to self and the universal messages inside of us is not easy. And to be even MORE honest, when you first start the art of Zazen, it is kinda boring. I mean--dammit--you're just sitting there. There aren't any noises or colors or sex scenes or car chases or gun fights or explosions. Its just you and your floor (yes, you need to sit on the floor) and the four walls and nothingness. You know what else? Its not comfortable AT ALL. At least not at first. I mean for God's sake--humans invented chairs for a reason. Sitting on the floor sucks. 

That's OK,  though. It is all part of the process. No one sits like The Buddha under the Bodhi tree right out of the box. You gotta figure it out. You gotta practice. Just like playing sports or the guitar or video games or anything else that gives you pleasure (SHUT UP!), you gotta work at it before you get GOOD at it. 

"But Kit, what is the pay off?"

The payoff, my friend is exactly what you are looking for: Answers. Believe it or not, when you do it the first time, even if it manage only two or three minutes, you begin to understand. You begin to see inside yourself. You begin to sink down into yourself. Then when you manage five or six minutes you start to gather information. When you work your way into twenty or thirty minutes, you begin to gain insight and abilities of mindfulness that you can't even fathom right now. And it just goes further and further---the more you do it, the more you like it--the more you like it, the more you do it. The more you do it, the more you learn, the more you learn, the more you do it. And the more you do it, the closer you get to your truth. 

So right now (all we have is now, remember) sit down, set the alarm on your phone for three minutes, close your eyes and just breathe---Listen to your breath. Feel the tingle in the back of your throat as your breathe--and just be quiet. Shut your face for three minutes and be quiet. You will be amazed and how much you will hear. 

Peace to you...PLEASE BE NICE to each other!

Kit

Monday, December 10, 2012

Advice and Dreams

ADVICE

This has been an interesting few days for me...But then again, what else is new. I had some great dreams, which I will get into later--some awesome talks with MHL and others--and then, today--I had my first "negative" conversation with someone who just doesn't get it...

Admittedly, this friend and I don't communicate that often. So there could be some huge misreads about what I am doing--but:

I had a IM conversation with this friend and it turned out that they were trying desperately to dissuade me from the path that I am on. Among the multiple things that they said to me, most of them were fear-filled statements that showed that they didn't really know me very well at all.... They said that I "didn't know what I am doing," and that "You aren't some kind of Buddha..."

Ok. Really? I'm not BUDDHA?!??!?! - This where I realized that this convo wasn't going to go well.

Let's move on from the ridiculous to the real.

Then they said, "What you need to do is call up your old friends and ask them to help you get a job so you can get back to radio and do what you love..."

Wait. Did you just tell me what I love? Really?

I asked, "Have you read my blog? Do you know what I am up to?"

They said, "I read one post, but your blog makes no sense...so I don't read it."

Why would someone try to talk me out of a path that I clearly feel that I need to be on? Why would someone who only know things from THEIR perspective, offer advice to me that would take me on a totally different path?

I am on my path because it is MY path. I am sorry if you don't agree with it. I am sorry if it scares you. I am sorry if it makes you jealous. I am sorry if it makes you afraid for me--but what I need now, most of all--is support. I need you to know that I am clear. I need you to know that MY truth is different from what you think it should be.

This is the hardest thing for some people to grasp--especially when I ask for advice. What I am asking for is support. I am not only asking for your opinion, but to understand that I am simply seeking alternate views, not looking for someone to talk me off the ledge or talk me out of taking the leap. I am looking for another perspective.

And if I am NOT asking for advice, then likely I am not going to respond in the way that you want me to. Unsolicited advice is very rarely welcome. If it is offered with love, then I accept it and move on--but I am a warrior for my truth--and if that rubs you the wrong way, I am truly sorry. I am--but maybe it is time for you to examine the motivations that you have for feeling that way. We all have fears and concerns and jealousies - and projecting them onto my situation is totally understandable. Just don't get mad when I say "Thank you," and move along down the road.

Let's move on...

DREAMS

Two times this week, I dreamed about my zen mentor Zhou Lin. In the first dream, he was walking down the highway--from the west to the east. He was pointing to the south---but then I woke up.

Two nights later (actually in the morning after I went back to sleep on my day off) the dream picked up EXACTLY where it left off two days before. Though now, it didn't feel like a dream It felt real.

As he pointed to the south, I could tell that he was point at a city -- and I knew (as we know in dreams) that the city also had a University located there.

And he said to me, "Remember to be compassionate and share the wisdom." Then later in the dream he said "Share the wisdom and be on your way..."

Then I woke up...When I realized that had been a dream, my first thought was, "WHAT?? WHAT THE HELL MAN? WHERE ARE YOU TELLING ME TO GO?"

Why couldn't there be a big green sign that says "Welcome to (insert city here)" -

Don't get me wrong. The dream felt real. It felt awesome to see his face and get a message from him - but why so ambiguous? I am meant to examine this and get going, I get that...but dammit--TELL ME WHERE TO GO!

I know, I know...I am being greedy. Most people would love to have a spiritual experience like that--a true message. I am just hoping that in the next dream, Zhou is a truck driver, I am a hitchhiker and he just drops me at the city limits of a town that has a big "WELCOME" sign -

Of course, I know that I would probably get in his truck and he would look at me and say, "So, where can I drop you?"

Peace to you--Be nice to each other!

Kit





Friday, December 7, 2012

The zen of your truth

As I sat and read my twitter page throughout the day yesterday, I was looking for more enlightened people to follow. I searched different topics including Zen and Buddhism and Hinduism and Shaman and more. What struck me most though was when I searched the word "Spiritual" and found person after person using their twitter profile to promote some kind of ideal or magic fix--or they were trying to sell you something. They were hocking everything from a Mayan 2012 cruise to "free eBooks" to specially formulated incense--as if making your house smell like patchouli and vanilla would bring you out of the depths of despair and change your life.

Please let me give you a piece of wisdom that I have learned. To me, this is the key to walking the proper path. And that is this:

You already know the answers to every question you could possibly ask.

It's true! Every answer has already been given to you. You just need to sit quietly, put away your ego, put away your pre-conceived notions, put away old thinking, put away outside opinions (even mine, even this one) and listen. Listen to your mind, body and soul come together and every answer will be there.

Any "master" who claims to be able to give you answers, is not a master. A TRUE master, will simply instruct you on how to find the answers yourself. In fact, let me lay another truth on you. If anyone claims to be an 'expert' in zen or in spiritual guidance or in anything really--ask yourself, "What is their motivation for claiming that?" When you put yourself above all others in a particular field, this is a working of ego. This is a self-serving move that only means to elevate your own knowledge above everyone else. How can this be possible if we all know everything?

I look at it this way---If I believe, and I do, that time is not linear and that all things are happening right now, then I must believe, and I do, that I have all of the answers already. It is only a matter of dropping all of my other bullshit and reaching through the dark for it. I don't need an ego-driven "expert" to tell me what I already know. 

My mentor, the late Zhou Lin, once told me that my truth was simply a deep breath away. Close your eyes, and take that breath. Zhou Lin never ever said to me that he had the answers. He only ever said that he knows only himself and that once I knew myself, then the answers would be obvious.

If you were blindfolded, driven out into the woods and left there at night, you would know that are in a pitch dark forest--if you have ever been camping and walked away from the campsite, you know the feeling--you KNOW that the trees are there even though you can't see them. You didn't have to observe the trees in the daylight to know that they are there. Why? Because, gang--you're in a forest. Duh.

Same goes for the answers to your questions. Right now. Close your eyes. You know your truth is there without ever having observed it. Why? Because it's YOUR truth---it is YOUR forest. No one else put that truth there. No one else can ever change it or take it away. Your TRUTH will always be there...

No master. No Author. No blogger and certainly no "Spiritual expert" can ever sell you enough nifty incense to help you find your truth. Because the truth is, there is nothing to find. The truth is not lost. It is just waiting for you to take off your blindfold and find your way through the dark.
And just like a pitch dark forest, if you walk deeply enough, you'll eventually smack into a tree....
If you walk deeply enough into yourself, you'll eventually smack into the truth---

So put your hands out and start walking---

Peace to you. Be nice to each other!

Kit

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

What is a REAL Man?

I have been writing this blog for a week now. When I started out, I knew that it would be equal parts; Journal, Guide and Philosophy

I think the journal part has come pretty easily. I mean that part is easy for most people, probably. You just sit down and start typing. I have tried to make it part of the other things too, but it has been mostly journal to this point.

I got a question posted to me on Twitter's DM--It was basically asking me "Why the title?" and what's my idea of a perfect man---

That is the first time I have ever been asked that. That's for sure.
It is a good question though---what makes a MAN a MAN? Where do many many guys screw this up? What should we do, as men, to walk the path in a manly way?

I have been a fighter--I have been a bully. I know how painful it is internally to live like that. Being a fighter as a sport, that is cool...that is fun. I have skills that I can pass on to others---but being a bully and a fighter in life? That's not manly. That's not the right way to walk the path...I will still fight in the gym...But in my life, I am trying everyday to take those skills and apply them in a positive way.

I am going to break it down for you--I am don't want this to digress into a preachy scenario--I want to tell you how I strive to live this life--and how I will continue to strive to walk this path---

Here are the main things that make a man, as I have learned them--some because I screwed them up in the first place and learned from my mistakes, some because it seems like common sense to me and other because it was what I see how I WANT to act.

In no particular order--here are the traits that I want to have nailed down tight and the traits that I want to teach my son--

  • Fidelity
  • Compassion
  • Generosity
  • Strength of Conviction
  • Protector
  • Courage to be vulnerable

Breaking it down further--without getting too windy about it--Here are my thoughts:

A real man doesn't cheat on his partner--ever. There is no "But I was drinking..." or "I don't get enough sex at home..." or any other excuse. It is the ultimate sign of disrespect. It is NOT manly to bang the hot girl at the office if you are married--Your WIFE should be the only hot girl in your life. And don't get all flirty thinking that it's "harmless" - It isn't. That is intimate energy that you are expending on someone other than your partner. If you don't respect her anymore, have the courage to let her move on to someone who will...That's the manly thing to do. 

A real man has compassion for people less fortunate than him. We can't be connected to the world if we spend time looking down our nose at others. Homeless people are not going through their own personal hell for the entertainment of others. People who are mentally ill aren't clowns---they are in a living hell---Not here for our amusement---I admit that I was guilty of this in the past--Not really by making fun of them, but by feeling superior. It had to stop. I couldn't become enlightened by continuing to feel superior to ANYONE else. Same goes for animals. Hunting for food is ok with the universe. Hunting for sport? Not even close. Using another viable sentient being as a target in a death sport, is not a sport. Its cruel. Walking around the woods dressed like you are in SWAT shooting innocent creatures who can't fight back isn't manly--You want to have a sport with an animal? Strip down naked and wrestle him like a man. Don't shoot him like a coward.

A real man is generous spiritually and physically. Help people out, give of yourself. Volunteer, give money to people that can use it--If you have $50 in your pocket and you have a family, think of them first--buy your wife some flowers, get your kid a hot wheels car--You don't need an extra beer with the fellas that badly. Generosity is the ONE thing that will always be remembered--when you are and when you aren't.

A real man sticks with his convictions and does what he says he is going to do without excuses. 'Nuff said.

A real man is a protector, not a bully or a fighter. He protects the ones he loves with his mind, his courage, his hard work, his strength and his power. He doesn't use those things to his advantage to get them to bend to his will...He uses those things to create a safe umbrella under which they can live and thrive. He will sacrifice himself for them. He is a leader, not a boss. He is a protector--in a true manly sense.

And finally a real man has the courage to tell the world that he is vulnerable, sensitive and spiritual. He is not afraid to cry. He is not afraid to show his loved ones that he is human.

Those are my thoughts and my goals everyday when I wake up....I want the people that know me to say "Kit..now that guy gets it..."- I am not perfect, I make mistakes everyday--but my goals everyday are to get better---to be a good man. I just want the chance....and everyday that I wake up is that chance.

It is how I choose to live my life...How I choose to define my manliness...

Peace to you---Be nice to each other--

Kit










Monday, December 3, 2012

World's Sexiest Hobo

I actually found a picture of my next to a
railroad track...Was this a prophecy?
Since I started the blog last week there has been no shortage of ideas from friends, family, readers, etc...And I must admit that there are sometimes when my ego gets massaged. There are other times when I wonder if the people get it--If they understand what I am actually going through...

There are two people--possibly three--all women--who seem to get it. MHL does of course--this was partly her idea. The other two are women that are also on a bit of a journey themselves and they might not want me to mention their names.

The guys in my life don't get it. Their questions have ranged from: "Are you ok, dude?" to "Aren't you worried that people won't be afraid of you anymore?" and "What's up Ghandi? You all pussyfist (I am sure he is teasing about the word PACIFIST) now?"

Others have been supportive--even if they don't quite get what's happening.

One of them, a budding seeker in her own right, said to me, "Are you trying to become the world's sexiest hobo?" I laughed. It was a compliment and also an attempt to lighten the topic..and I appreciated that.

Today, I was talking to someone about that comment and she added, "You should be a life coach--"

I said, "Maybe I should get my OWN shit together before I start coaching someone else..."

Then we cooked up a whole scenario where I could travel the country, riding the rails--hitch hiking from town to town, doing life coaching seminars--and bill myself as THE WORLD'S SEXIEST HOBO---

Can you imagine the posters?

LIFE COACHING AND LIFE LESSONS FROM KIT!
THE WORLD'S SEXIEST HOBO
He is coming to your town and, ladies, he needs a place to stay! 
I can imagine it now...I could gather up all the other good looking homeless guys, get 'em showered up and hire a photographer and publish a "HOT HOBO" calendar - We could pose with those polka dotted sacks on the end of a stick--I could wear a pork-pie hat but no shirt---We could donate half of the profits to homeless shelters or something....(wait---now this is actually starting to sound like a good idea...if you are a publisher, gimme a call---).

Now, let's be clear--I don't think I am all that sexy--I have my moments, but I don't feel all that hot most of the time-- I also don't think I am a hobo--again, that is your perception of what I am doing---but it helped the mood today.

That brings me to the point of all of this---

There are LOTS of things for me to be sad about. I won't re-hash them here. You can imagine for yourself what it would be like if you were in my situation right before the holidays---But despite all of the options for sadness, I refuse. I refuse to be beaten by this. I refuse to feel sorry for myself. I refuse to cave to what people think and I refuse to be depressed.

It comes back to choices. Sometimes when I type stuff like, 'I refuse to be sad' or 'I am on this journey for a reason.' I worry that means that I don't need help or I wouldn't accept help if it was offered....and that's not true---I would. But I won't quit if that help doesn't come. I am not going to be walking around with my hand out--and it's not because of pride---Its because of purpose. This is a path, a journey---and if I ever accept help, it will only mean that I believe that it was MEANT to be here for me. And if it doesn't come, that's ok too. It means that it wasn't supposed to come. I have lots to offer the world...My path will lead me where it should.

I am making a choice to continue this path--this journey---to become a better human and a better man. It is a lesson in humility---

World's sexiest hobo? I doubt it....
But thanks for the compliment....It made me laugh. It made me happy. It made me smile. And that, my friends---is the whole point of life.

Peace to you---And please--BE NICE TO EACH OTHER!

Kit
 



Saturday, December 1, 2012

A Physical Manifestation of a Message?

This morning at 3am, my body jolted me awake--my whole right side seized up--The muscles were tightening--getting worse as I tried to loosen them, like one of those finger traps you get at the fair...

"WHAT? Why has this come back?"

My initial reaction was one of being a victim. Why had this returned NOW?

"I don't even have a way to get to the hospital--I am all alone---I don't have anyone to help me. I can't even get out of the bed! How will I handle this?"

These are the fears that encompass me when my health becomes an issue. When this all happened 3 years ago, I had to go through it alone. I was not involved in a relationship--and going through it alone was one of the worst experiences of my life. So of course, now I have a fear of being alone with my health goes south.

After a couple of hours or stretching, a bit of butt-naked yoga (you diggin' that visual?)---I was able to loosen things up, call in sick to work, send an email to MHL, and get back to sleep. When I woke up, I was clearer.

Instead of a victim mentality--I awoke with a determination to get to the bottom of this. I need to decide what needs to be cleared emotionally so that it stops manifesting physically. What is the commonality between now and all of the other times that this issue has manifested.

I then made an appointment with a acupuncturist, because it is the only thing that has ever made me feel better. Ironically, this is the same appointment that I was forced to cancel because of a work issue.

Now, I know that yoga visual has you distracted, but if you're still with me - Pay attention here.


  • I am grateful to have a job...however....
  • This job isn't very fulfilling and doesn't care about its people -causing me to cancel an appointment that I really felt like I needed to keep
  • Yesterday, someone from my professional past contacted me in a very passive aggressive manner--making me very uncomfortable. It was with a possible job offer--my OLD job as a matter of fact--but it was delivered in a manner which made me feel weird. 
  • I sat with that information and asked for a sign--something to point me in the right direction. Do I pursue the position?
  • 5 hours later, my body, though physically asleep, rebelled.
  • Is this the message from the universe?
At some point while I was pondering this I have to stop because the phone is ringing---
Of course, that was MHL....Calling me to tell me that I should review what is going on because my body is sending me a message...This is what she does. She does it all the time. Her timing is amazing.

So what is the message?

Here is my gut---here is what I feel in my really real self...

I am tired, physically affected and tired, of people (both personally and professionally) putting conditions on me. It seems that I am always in a position of feeling like I am operating under someone else's conditions. And I don't mean this as a victim. I fully admit that I attract it---

Look, I know we all do to some extent. We are physical beings walking a physical planet and other people have influence on us...But my issue is deeper. I have an built-in need to feel useful while sacrificing my own fulfillment. I attract people that NEED me for something--and then when that issue is solved, I am no longer needed....but perhaps it isn't that I am no longer needed that ruins the relationship--perhaps (as MHL offered last night in a different conversation) the relationship is ruined because I am not fulfilled  so I become negative and judgmental and I make myself sick...Which begins a cycle of negativity and judgement---

So as I walk this path and discover where I am ok--where I am succeeding and what I need to work on, it becomes obvious that my professional life is what I need to work on. 

I take jobs because I am NEEDED. I am useful. I take promotions because my ego is massaged. I work there for awhile, realize that I am not being satisfied--my root needs (not the surface crap, like ego) are not being met--because I am there for all the wrong reasons and I get negative---and it manifests in my physical being.

The line is fine. The line that we have to walk between being grateful for where we are, and not settling for being unhappy. I am grateful for the paycheck. From my heart, I am grateful. However, I am clearly not satisfied. Its ok to be both. 

Being grateful doesn't mean SETTLING! Remember that. It is a tough division for sure. But it is the truth.

So now...it is up to me to begin to work on discovering WHAT those needs actually are...I am pretty sure I know--but I need to sit with it some before I reveal it here. I always want to be honest here...so we have to wait until I can verbalize. 

I am not going to list the things that I don't want --That doesn't accomplish anything. So what DO I want?

I know I want to write. I know I want to teach. I know I want to be warmer. I know I want all of these things to be the way that I "make a living"--while realizing that they will not help me "make a life"---I know that I want to be financially ok.

I didn't mean to leave you with no answers---they are MY answers--but perhaps this can help you figure out your own issues....Either that or you can go back to visualizing me doing butt-naked yoga. In either case, check back in tomorrow or Monday for the next edition in the exciting adventures of Macho Zen--Maybe I will have a mantra figured out or perhaps something more solid....but then again, maybe I won't.

Peace to you - be nice to each other!

Kit