When gratitude doesn't come easy...

"The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread..."

So here I am--in my little hotel room--beginning a 7 day fast.

"How very spiritual of you, Kit...Fasting before the holidays. What a beautiful way to cleanse your spirit.."

Yeah. Not so much.

I am fasting because, for the first time in my adult life, I literally have NO money and No food. I don't mean that I only a couple of bucks or that my bank account is overdrawn--I mean I have NO money. NO change. No dollar bills and no way to get any, until payday, which is 5 days away. In the past, when struggles have occurred  there was always a light. A way out. Some food in the pantry, even if it wasn't something I wanted to eat. There was something. I wasn't going to go without.

Not now--but that's ok. I don't mind. Its just a 7 day fast, and I could stand to lose a few pounds anyway--no big deal. I have done them before voluntarily  so I can do one for the sake of "have to." - Honestly, if I just had a few bucks for some Diet Pepsi, it would be a breeze!---

But I don't want this to be about that. The lack of money is a back-story for why I am having a tough time feeling grateful today. I can handle having a job that no one else would want, because it is a job--and a lot of people are out of work. But I work for a company that values its employees about as much as most people value a housefly who won't stop landing on your sammich. They proved it today by announcing that, not only do we have to work on Christmas Day, which we already knew about and had accepted--BUT we have to work 3 extra hours (2 for some people) of mandatory overtime. Which means that on Christmas Day, I will not get to see my son. We had plans to see each other, go to dinner (I will have a paycheck by then!) and hang out - Now, because of the fact that I have to work until late in the day, I won't get to see my own son on Christmas--

I am not whining as much as it sounds--I simply want to explain the process in my brain. And this is it---

I have a job that is not fulfilling in anyway, doesn't pay enough that I can make it to the next payday without having to fast for 7 days AND NOW, it is stealing what little time I get with my son.

How exactly am I supposed to be grateful for this? Is a hooker grateful that she has a job? Does she say to herself, "Golly, I am sure am grateful that I was able to bang enough guys that I can pay my hotel room bills so that I can bang more guys next week!"

I KNOW it isn't the same. Don't lecture me about that--I know its not. I am trying to make a POSITIVE point and here it comes - Ready?

THIS is the meaning of ZEN. I am in this position because THIS is the position that I am in. And the only way OUT of this is to be OUT of it. I can't spend time wrapped up in the WHY of things. I HAVE to accept them before I can overcome them. When we dwell in the WHY, we ignore the opportunity for gratitude.

I am not on the street. I have a job (even if they have no soul), I have my health (mostly), I have a son who loves me (who am I to complain about not getting to see him on a silly holiday when so many families in Connecticut would give ANYTHING to have their children back?) and I have my path.

There are times when the reality of the world comes crashing down around us. It is important to remember that it is OK to not like it. We are human beings. It is OK to be pissed off. We are human beings. It is OK to cry about it. We are human beings. And it is ok to whine about it.

For a little while.

Then we must accept that where we are is part of the journey, nothing is permanent and help is merely a breath away.

Someone asked me today, "how much money would you need to move back home to Oklahoma or to New Mexico or wherever you can be to get out of this?"

I said, "$3,000 would change my life."

Somewhat callously they said, "Is that all? I thought you were in really bad shape. You only need $3,000? You can come up with that!"

I'll just snap my fingers, jackass.

You might have it lying around--and goody gum drops for you...but I am kinda past that at the moment (At the moment, because when I come back, I will come back with a fury--it will be quite a ride!)

Yep - But you know what--I wouldn't trade places with them if it meant that I had to go back to thinking like that. If it meant that I had to go back to judging other people's situations and needs, I would rather be where I am...because HERE, at least I know, as tough as it is right now, I am pure in my intention.

It doesn't make it easier. But it is worth it to find out who loves me, who I am and what is important.

Help is but a breath away--even if it comes from within.

Peace to you...be nice to each other and on Christmas Day, remember that there are people working, missing their families and missing their friends, so that you can be happier - -

Kit